“OMG. What is wrong with me I was wondering? I better put away my art and leave right now so that nobody sees me crying!”
… It was October 2011 and I was fully immersed with my artistry. I bought a brand new drawing pad, sharpened my pencils and started drawing. I sat for hours and hours at Whole Foods Market with a cup of coffee and was having a grand time! I produced a half inch thick folder of art. I took a few days off and realized I had no idea at all where my folder of art was!!
Total panic set in. I searched my car and my house and did not find anything. I spoke to everyone I could think of at Whole Foods Market to see if they had found my art. Nobody knew anything. Then I searched my car and house again and nothing! I was devastated! I cried my eyes out and then realized I was not only crying about the lost folder of art.
I was grieving my childhood and all the sadness I had to stuff deep inside my body when I was not given the opportunity to be an artist. It was now all coming to the surface so that I could heal. When it was all done I felt like a completely different person …
And to bring things current – this past month I’ve been helping my mother settle back into her house after a few months in the hospital and a dementia unit So, I’ve been hanging around my mom a lot lately and it has been triggering lots of childhood stuff …. OMG!! I have been feeling and releasing like a mother … no pun intended!
So, lets talk about this releasing process that walks hand in hand with the discovering process.
Once you have done some digging around and started to uncover what was buried in the way of thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc you are going to be sitting with it for a bit. How long really depends on you and how much information you feel the need to gather on this particular leg of your journey.
Consider that you are in a cave after an archeological dig and now the dust (the mixture of emotions, memories) that was broken up is settling and you are beginning to breathe it all in. And now you are feeling deeply and this will bring upon a release of emotions. Hurray!!
Yes emotions in the way of healing tears that will bring you to the next pathway which you are going to love!
WHAT IT WILL TAKE:
It takes resilience for this work and you have plenty of it inside of you. Reach in and claim it.
The road with obstacles leads to smoother paths. You must learn to appreciate every day of your journey because you never know when a major insight is going to make itself known to you. It really is all good.
Take time for self care and the simple pleasures of life. This will give you the energy to invest in your inner work and for the fun and celebratory times.
Releasing is about never giving up. You must keep going forward even when the gravel road is bumpy! The paved road is just up ahead!
ACTION IDEAS TO BEGIN:
1) FEEL your feelings. The process of feeling your feelings as deeply as you can IS the process of releasing what has been stuck. This is the healing process. You are claiming yourself back.
2) Journal as often as you can. Writing will bring old thoughts to mind that will lead to strings of insights. You will understand so much more about your life and why and how everything has turned out the way it has.
3) Take walks in nature to help you connect to your true self and give you the space and time to relax.
4) Meditate and enjoy plenty of quiet time will allow your feelings to move as well and will increase your ability to relax in all kinds of situations.
5) Create art! Art moves what is stuck so that you can release easier. I will share much more about the healing benefits of creating art!
6) Get energy healing sessions from a professional and learn techniques you can do on your own such as EFT and Access Consciousness.
Remember, you are releasing what you did not feel safe to feel so long ago. Consciously choose to heal and transform your life and this will lead you to your creative passion. The time and energy you invest to do this work will be worth it. You deserve it.
The more you walk this process the more of your divine creative gift you will have access to. Allow yourself to continue to clear the way!
Everything I’ve experienced in the past decade could fall under the heading of “reinvention” and if there was a defining moment that set me on that path it would be the following…
In the spring of 2004 my Houston consultant gave her resignation because she was moving too far away to commute. I called my client to request a meeting so I could share the news (they loved our consultant) but they were not interested in meeting with me. I soon learned that they were doing everything they could to undo the relationship we can created. So I shared the news via email.
The next day my client called our office to speak to our consultant and my intuition told me to sit in the office when she took the call. And he did what I suspected. He tried to hire her and it just shattered me. Even though I had mentioned my hunch to my HR consultant two weeks prior it was still incredibly unbelievable. I had been working so hard for so long, invested my time, energy and savings to create the best systems possible and this was how they showed their appreciation! The next day he was the one calling me to request a meeting and I told him I would think about it.
Two weeks later it was my consultant’s last day and I took her to lunch and then we were going to attend a meeting with the client to discuss her open cases. At lunch she shared that my client was going to “replace me” with an employee. They were going to “make me” tell her everything about the contract …ie..How we did things and how to use the database that my company funded (I was going to use this for other clients). They thought that I was going to give in and let them do anything they wanted! NO!
( I had learned a big lesson. It took me a long time to say no to them because I was so afraid of losing their business. The consulting fees were bringing in $25,000 per month. Then there were product sales from the contract and internet sales but the consulting fees were a major portion of our business. I had intended to get the contract running efficiently for the first few months and then meet with other clients for new business but this client made so many demands on my energy. As much as I tried to breakfree I was unable to focus on new business because I did not stand up for myself and the needs of my business and employees.
I saw the client as my source of money instead of only one possibility. I was totally disconnected from my Source at that point…I was just beginning to study the law of attraction even though I had known about it since the 80’s. It would take me many years to clear the energy that lived inside of me since my early youth that had created this mess in my adult life.)
So we went to the meeting. When I arrived at our onsite office they had already removed our company name off the door and replaced it. And the employee they were going to give the contract to was there in the office and was going to come into the meeting. I walked up to her, looked her squarely in the eyes and told her she was not invited. I was taking my power back.
We began the meeting with just three of us….myself, my employee and my contact’s associate. A few minutes later my client walked into the meeting, leaned into my face and began pointing his finger and yelling at me. He was so filled with rage that it was almost humorous … especially when he could not roll his chair through the door because it kept bumping into the door frame!
At one point I thought he might actually hurt me. My employee and his associate were in shock. I could have grabbed my brief case and walked out but my body was frozen.
He was demanding that I do what he wanted and I told him “no.” He kept testing me and I kept saying no. It took every ounce of courage I had.
After we walked out of the meeting I discovered that many in the vicinity heard what transpired. We were right next to the medical department and the elevators. My contact had lost control. He was under so much pressure to produce that he was completely out of touch. He was removed from the contract and his boss (the one that awarded the contract to me and hired him to micromanage) called to take me to lunch.
They realized they had made a big mistake by trying to replace me in my own contract and now they were just trying to smooth things over. They wanted me to begin a new level of work at another location under the same contract even though they had already broken the contract by cutting it in half. My lawyer and my therapist at the time both gave me the same advice “Do not even think about it.”
I wanted to take the work. It would have been at least $100,000. I “thought” I needed the money at the time to make up for the work they took away but in the end I did not take it.
After that fateful meeting I could feel the “connectors” in my brain breaking apart. I was officially in a mid-life crisis… a spiritual crisis and it affected me physically. I took the next two months to rest and recover. Thank goodness for my consultant in the New Orleans office who was working and bringing in income. Plus we had the internet sales. Once I felt better I consulted for another couple of months until the contract was officially over and several months later I recovered 20% of the income we had been denied.
It took quite a while to see the beauty. I knew that there was something new for me to do in the world but I had no idea what that was. I was beginning a new path and it was the beginning of an intense journey of healing and self discovery. I believe that everything happens for a reason and when we are able to let go new possibilities and doors present themselves to us.
In fact this week three doors closed for me so I am paying attention to what new doors are opening for me!
A couple of years ago I began writing a series of stories. I intended to write 30 Stories in 30 Days yet after completing five stories I experienced a huge insight about my life and was guided down a new path and through a series of processes. This led me to own the artist within me and it has been life changing. I’ve written enough for a book in the past couple of years but until now did not feel ready to share anything with anyone other than myself.
So this month I’ll be SAYING YES to ACCEPTING my life 100% to whatever is showing up. The outcome I would like to experience at the end of this series is feeling GRATITUDE for EVERYTHING. Who knows what miracles may happen?!
I’ll be SAYING YES to what is challenging, easy, fun, crazy, boring, peaceful, colorful, playful, painful, difficult, taking longer than I want, etc. I’ll be SAYING YES to what I rather not experience and what I enjoy. I’ll be SAYING YES to what feeds my pleasure, fun and playfulness and what does not. I’ll be SAYING YES to my life experiences as I am inspired.
I’m looking forward to this journey of sharing and learning more about myself. I’m taking a big leap of faith that I’ll tap into my inspiration to write and create art everyday along with everything else happening in my life.
With Love, Wendy
My last post talked about being more authentic and I have been really quiet because I have been processing and allowing myself to hear inspiration. That is pretty much how the entire year has been and as we approach 2011 I am feeling into appreciation for myself and how I have chosen to shift this past year.
It is the holiday time and I am feeling compelled to write a bit about one of the biggest challenges of my adult life. It has centered around the relationship I’ve had with my younger sister. I wrote about this some months back after having reached a new level of clarity and now I realize how much deeper that clarity has become and how it has allowed me to stand in my worthiness at new heights.
I’m just one who will do whatever inner work is necessary to feel good by going back into the sad areas of my life. Last year this time I started to connect with a much younger part of me and was able to get in touch with the sadness that I had felt for my entire life. The sadness was centered around many experiences I always remembered but did not realize had such impact on my life. How I did not realize that I do not know. I guess I was just not ready to do this work.
Close to a year ago I began talking about some of the experiences with others and I found myself reduced to tears almost immediately in the beginning. I did not realize how much I had stuffed my feelings my entire life. So much had been living inside of me and I was releasing. After sharing stories with people that cared I could feel that the pain was slowly diminishing. I did have many energy shifting sessions and hypnosis which were very helpful yet it was my constant focus on healing the sadness that helped me to feel better.
I see how for years I tired myself out trying to understand what happened that created the dynamics of our relationship and I realize how I extended myself in ways that were not loving towards myself. It has been time for me to step into who I came here to be and this was only going to happen with a heightened sense of clarity of this part of my life.
It has taken a good deal of inner strength to stand for myself … to stand for my happiness … even if it was going to appear to rock the boat. My guess is that there will be more work to do in this area and I trust that it will all happen in perfect timing. Yet for now I am feeling much more peaceful than even just a few months ago. And at some point perhaps I will share more about this journey either here or in one of my speaking engagements. I am all about shifting and growing and if my story can help inspire someone then I am happy to share.
I’m so thankful for the relief and the best part is that I’ve been stepping into a bigger me, valuing myself and asking for what I want.
I’m excited about 2011 for many reasons. I’m excited about serving. I’m excited about being. Most of all I am proud of who I continue to become.
Keep standing for yourself no matter what. And if you want I will stand for you too!
Love and Inspiration!
Forgiveness is a blessing to the forgiver and the person being forgiven. Sometimes it is the same person. In other words we can choose to forgive ourselves from behaviors we have judged ourselves for.
Saturday was Yom Kippor the holiest day on the Jewish calendar (lunar calendar).
In honor of this “Day of Atonement” I focused on forgiveness and what it meant to me.
Forgiveness really is all about ourselves. The more we can let go the more we can move on and fully embrace our lives. If we are not forgiving then the person it affects the most is us.
I wrote a few pages of things to forgive myself for and as I wrote them I could feel a release inside of me … a healing.
Here are just a few of the things I have noticed about myself over the years and have chosen to forgive myself for:
Rushing and making it just in time
Not fully taking in the moment
Preaching my ideas to those that do not care…i.e…family 🙂
Eating too fast
Not trusting in myself
Playing and thinking small
Not speaking up
Constricting instead of expanding (I just breathed very deeply – confirmation!)
Holding my breath
Not feeling worthy
Not seeing Source inside myself
Working too hard
Well that’s 12 and I can assure you there are many more.
I am going to keep writing. There is so much!! Perhaps I can inspire you to write along with me?!
I am in gratitude and appreciation for you.
Love and Inspiration!